“我知道你是谁,威尔。”眼泪顺着她的脸庞滑落,他心里的一部分仍然希望自己能将它们擦掉。尽管如果他们之间没有障碍,他知道他做不到。“你是个好人。”
“不。”他说,迅速,坚定,但她不愿接受。“不,”他再次坚称,越过了那些无声的抗议,“我不是的。我努力过了,但这不是我的本性。你更容易假装我是,但当我娶你的时候,我的一部分就已经知道我会伤害到你。而我还是这么做了。”
“哦,威尔。”她抽泣着,在将他名字说出口的时候,她的声音终于崩溃了。“你难道不幸福吗?和我们一起——沃尔特,我,还有那些狗狗。你爱过我们吗?”
他因她的话而呼吸困难。他能感觉到她的指甲抠进他的掌心,她的恳求浸入他的心脏。他颤抖着松开了她的手。这将再好不过,他想,如果事情能温和地发生,但他如今能够看出,她不会轻易动摇的。她的嗓音和哭声使他额头上的血管突突作响;头痛像乌云一般在他的太阳穴中汇集。
“我不该娶你。”他说,嗓音变得冷漠了,双手没有再次握住她。“我早就知道会是这样的结局。我早就知道,”他吞咽着,迫使自己说出那些残酷的话,“我属于他。”
他几乎无法忍受注视着她拧作一团的脸,但他强迫着自己去看,直到这景象不再那么强烈地影响到他。“那你为什么要这么做?”她抽泣着,“为什么要娶我,如果你不爱我,不打算留下的话?”
我本想留下来的,他想,我希望我能;我想要留下。或者我希望我想要。但这真相如今对她没有帮助,只会激励她对于他的救赎的希望。而她的希望充满危险,对他如此,对她自己更是如此。
“也许我只是希望一旦我离开,有人能照顾我的狗。”他冷笑着说,注视着她面庞上升起的震惊的怒火,感受到一种奇特的满足感与厌恶感的交织。他将戒指从手指上拧下来,按在她的手心里。“去俄勒冈吧。”他命令她道,声音坚定。“去找你的家人。带上沃利,带上狗,离这里远远的,再也不要回来,也不要再次接起杰克·克劳福德或阿拉娜·布鲁姆的电话了。”
“别对我说这个。”她哭着说,几乎是在大喊。“你不能这么说。”
“我不得不。”他说。“走吧。我会逃离这里的,莫莉,我会和他一起。”他的胸腔因这些话而一阵发紧。他希望她比他更加相信它们。“为了你自己的安全,你必须离开。”
她走了,不留一词地走出了房间,走出了他的生命。
******
他看着火焰在壁炉中跳动,吞噬着他独自喂进的书页。他能感到那热量。自从遇见汉尼拔,他看过了这世界中他从未预想会到达的地方。他原先只需要一条小溪。如今,在他记忆宫殿中的所有房间里,他知道这一间是他会最经常来寻求安慰的。他坐进一张扶手椅中,面对着他面前那一张空荡荡的椅子,安心于住在这里,在他记忆之墙之中。他在这里不会快乐,但他将保持理智,他想。他将自己托付于一个不断触及着汉尼拔的未来,一直如此,召唤着,正如另一人在三年中如何召唤着他,却不被答复。
也许汉尼拔会在三年后的某一天回应他,又或是当他在遥远未来的某个晚上变得怀旧时。也许当他觉得威尔已经服满了足够长的监禁,他便会来,并将他从这个世界的监狱里解救出来。否则,美国政府将在某一天杀掉他,从而结束他知道在未来的孤独岁月里永远不会消失的渴望。以这种方式死去似乎是一种耻辱。他可以自己了结这一切,他知道,但他的生命不是他自己的。他属于汉尼拔,而不是他自己,所以他将会等待着汉尼拔的审判。
他的腿在他身下蜷缩在座位上,头靠着温暖的皮革。阴影在远处的墙上微微颤动,威尔看着它们,直到他的眼皮开始下垂。他的身体在不舒适的医院床上舒展着,但他将会睡在这里,睡在汉尼拔旧办公室的安全与舒适之中。他们可以对他的身体做任何他们想做的事,但他的灵魂将永远在这里。他将沉入自己的内心深处,而他们将永远无法触及他。二十年后,他们将会处决一个空壳。
“威尔。”
听到这个声音,他的双眼猛地睁大。房间是空的,火光依然黯淡地照亮着书架,书桌和在微风中轻轻飘动的窗帘。威尔皱起眉头,起身穿过房间,透过那扇他不记得打开过的窗户眺望出去。
声音御着下一阵强风,传到他的耳中,轻柔,但却预示着即将来临的暴风雨。
“不会太久的。”
在他豪华的牢房中,在坚硬的床垫上,面对着扑面的黑暗,威尔笑了。
[1] 标题注,圆翅天蚕蛾(Promethea),一种大型的美洲蚕蛾。它的幼虫以檫树、野樱桃和其他树木为食,并用丝带把茧挂在树枝上。
Notes:
译者尾注:回过头来找原作标注的自杀提及……原来真的只是提了一嘴orz. 另,这一章的心理描写真的好美。忍不住回去原作又读了一遍,无论是开头的hallucination还是后面的sappiness还是杯忍痛与莫莉诀别,都真的好美,gentle soft and beautiful,我贫瘠的语言翻不出来原作的万分之一好。今夜也为太太的绝美文笔哭泣。
第十三章 帝王蛾
Notes:
作者注:上周我晚发了一天,所以这周,在我再次离城之前,我决定早发一天。谢谢你们所有阅读的人,写作真的很有趣,并且很高兴知道其他人同样享受这个。警告暴力和多愁善感。
这样的一天应当颤栗着开始。[2]威尔不确定这些话是从哪儿来的,尽管它们就这样出现了,在他脑海中。他甚至不确定这是不是一天的开始,只知道当阿拉娜来探访他时,已经距他的上一位探访者,哭着离开的莫莉,过去了几个小时。在这个地方,他没有多少时间观念,睡去,醒来,却意识不到他休息了多久。自从他们把他带到这里,他有关到底过去了多长时间的唯一指标,便是他喉咙上渐隐的淤青,而不久之后它们便会完全消失。
当她走进房间时,他正睡着,但他很快就醒来了,起身站在玻璃前,充满警觉。他细细观察着她的面庞,以寻找任何她因前一天对他的所作所为而产生的羞愧与自责的痕迹,但她不苟言笑,将表情封闭在他探查的目光下。
他们盯着对方看了很久,随后阿拉娜才开口道。“莫莉昨晚离开了。”她告诉他,用舌尖润湿了她的红唇,这让它们闪闪发光。“我觉得你可能想要知道。”
“很好。”威尔说,对他从自己声音中听到的一丝解脱而惊讶。如今他知道了,他从未以他许诺过的方式爱过她——她也从未足够了解他以爱他,尽管他知道,需要经过很长一段时间,她才会愿意让自己面对这现实。在某天,他希望,她能够意识到他戏弄了她;而这一点儿也怪罪不了她。你吸引了一个背上画着怪物的男人,威尔想道,记起了瑞芭脸上的痛苦。尽管如此,在这一时刻,他感觉自己完全是个怪物。
也许他不同于弗朗西斯·多拉海德,威尔思忖着。也不同于汉尼拔。并非对童年创伤做出反应,意图与悲惨过往的恶魔决裂。一个天生杀人狂,他想,而这想法几乎使他嘴角带上了一丝笑意,尽管在他眼中并无任何高兴闪现。
“她是你的妻子,威尔。”阿拉娜说道,她的声音,正如她的脸庞,保持着小心翼翼地不露感情。“你难道不觉得你本可以表现得更和善一些吗?”
“你希望我当时更温和吗,阿拉娜?我已经厌倦了表演成我本性之外的事物。或是说是表演成我本来的样子。”他对着她咬牙切齿地说。
“我只是说更和善罢了。”
“像你当初将她卷入一样和善吗?”威尔抬起眉毛。“你让她将自己的生命置于危险境地。你有没有向她解释过那些风险,又或是你担心如果你解释了她就会拒绝你?”
阿拉娜低下了头,发出一声短暂、挖苦的震惊笑声。“是你将她的生命置于了危险境地,威尔。你让她卷入了这一切。不要试图将你的罪过钉在我身上;如果不是你先将她卷入这一切,她也不会被利用出现在这里。”
“你没必要将她将她带回进这些。”威尔坚称,感受到那些她无疑希望在他身上激起的怒气。他试着使它远离他的声音,但他确信它依然出现在了他嘴唇的绷紧线条中。“你本应该任由她悄无声息离去的。”
“你使她的参与成了必需,当你帮助汉尼拔逃脱联邦监禁的时候。”阿拉娜说。“不是我们所有人都失去了保护所爱之人的兴趣。”
威尔对着她大笑。“玛格还好吗?”他问道。“玛格在哪儿?你确定她还安全吗,没有你在身边,阿拉娜?也许你比你以为的保护欲更少。也许这不是为了保护任何人的安全,而只是为了保护你自己。”
她看起来像是,如果不是他们之间有玻璃相隔,她就要揍他了。就一霎那,在那面具重新滑回原位之前,在她面颊上逐渐冷却的怒意却并未在她眼中消失。他看见了那里的愤怒,此刻实在难以错失。他同样感觉到它在自己体内扭曲着,正如胸膛中的一缠群蛇。如果没有玻璃,他想着,我会做些什么?
“我不打算争辩我们之中的哪一个更不擅长于保护我们的家人。”她平和地告诉他,但他看到了在她渐暗的虹膜中的风暴。“我来这里是为了告诉你,你的转运被安排在了明天早上,十点钟。这会给你不到二十四小时的时间,来说服普鲁内尔她是值得花时间让你活着的,因为无论你对我的正直有何种看法,威尔,你知道我所说的关于如果你被送到联邦监狱时,你必将丧命的话都是真的。”
“不必为我担心。”威尔安慰她道,嗓音满是讥讽。“在二十四小时过完之前我就会死的。”
她叹气。“威尔,普鲁内尔有指纹——”
“哦,她要不然是在撒谎,要不然就是被骗了。”威尔嘲笑道。他眼神紧盯阿拉娜,微笑着,很高兴看到她瞳孔散大的样子。“汉尼拔正在来的路上,阿拉娜。并且当他到来之时,你将想要在除此之外的任何其他地方,因为他会来杀掉你,还有我,还有当他到达时他所发现的其他任何人。”
******
他语气中的某些东西容不得第二份猜想。阿拉娜如实地告诉了杰克一切,同时打开了应急屋的警报,输入密码,使那沉重铁门伴着一声巨响滑归原位。
“说实在的,阿拉娜。”看着那位医生将一排屏幕唤醒。十个小方块闪烁出医院驻地的画面——建筑物的每一面,前门的近景,和每一层楼梯井旁的摄像头。最后,第十一个屏幕在其他闪烁着开启的屏幕左侧,显示出那间曾用于关押汉尼拔的牢房,如今威尔正坐在其中,双膝抵着胸口,背靠着墙壁休息。“你真的期望着汉尼拔会来吗?或是期望着如果他确实来了,他能越过五十个武装护卫和特警队?这个地方是个堡垒。一如我们所计划的。”
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